During the day, I work while taking care of the little one. I spend time with the family when the wife comes home from work. I workout when everybody goes to sleep. I sleep late so I can get things done. I have a nice routine for all the days of the week.
One day, enjoying time with the family, in the midst of making some home improvements in the garage, my wife comes in and lets me know, the nanny is quitting.
I then pause, trying to digest the news. The first thing I said was, “oh, that sucks.” I also wondered why, but the “why” wasn’t important to me because, at that point, my thoughts went to “what do we do now?”
(The “why” would matter if something was done directly/indirectly, that could be fixed, but most the time when a nanny quits, it’s for personal reasons that no one has control over – e.g., better opportunity, moving, family emergency, spouse relocation, etc.)
When anybody hires a nanny, it’s a mutual business transaction. But the longer they stay with you, it becomes more than just business. They become part of the family, and even if it’s not a close relationship between you and them, it’s a close relationship between them and your little one(s). So it took us by surprise when our nanny quit unexpectedly.
When my wife came into the garage to share the news, it took a bit of time to digest.
I had no negative emotion towards the nanny; we knew that this wasn’t forever. We also knew both sides didn’t do anything wrong, and it was their personal reason/choice.
What came to mind was our little one. How do we let our little one know that the nanny that she loves seeing, is leaving? Our hearts broke for the little one. Even though our daughter is young and won’t realize what’s immediately happening, we knew she’d eventually ask for the person she most often sees.
(And we were right, it’s been about a month and a half, and she still wants to see the old nanny even when she’s enjoying her time with the new nanny).
While thinking about our daughter and experiencing her first loss with her (even though she doesn’t realize it), we also had to think about everything else we had to do to get things in order.
The Stress That Comes When the Nanny Quit Unexpectedly
Depending on your situation, thinking about the logistics like kids being dropped off, you and your spouse having to work, or who will take care of this or that, can be stressful and overwhelming.
For us, we dreaded having to start the nanny hiring process all over again. It’s easy when you have a checklist or step-by-step guide, but it’s a time-consuming and sometimes cumbersome process to go through. I’ve written a post about how to hire a nanny (in case you’re having trouble with where to start or finding resources).
Hiring a nanny takes time. More or less, this is how it goes:
- Nanny network – choosing where you would find your next nanny on whatever platform you use (Facebook posts, nanny services website, yelp, a referral from friends or family, etc.)
- Create a post or search – whichever platform you’re using, you’re either searching or creating a job post; as well as stating the prerequisite requirements for your potential nanny
- Resume sifting – if you put a job post, then you’re probably going to receive numerous email resumes
- Facetime interview – after picking the few resumes that you believe to be the best candidate, setting up a facetime/zoom interview with each of them
- In-person interview – select the candidates you liked from the facetime interview, call their references, and set-up an in-person interview where they can see your little one
- Selection – picking the best person that you think fits with your needs and your little one(s)
- Vet – check the background of the candidate that you want to offer the position to
- Contract – offer the job, if accepted then go through contract details and sign on the dotted line
Easy enough, right? There is some additions/modification to the nanny hiring process in some cases, but that’s the gist of it.
Hiring a nanny takes time/effort. It’s vital to take time and not rush, since you’re trying to find the perfect caretaker for the love(s) of your life.
Finally, you finished the nanny hiring process, what’s next?
The next stressful thing is an emotional one. How do you break the news to your little one(s)? It’s heartbreaking that someone your little one loves will not come to see them again.
In our case, it was tough seeing our daughter laugh and play with her nanny while knowing that their time together was finite, that their days together were going to end.
It’s never easy, and as parents, there’s no wrong way to go about this.
After deciding on how to break it to your little one, the next thing to think about is how to make the transition.
In our case, our little one has a bit of social anxiety. She doesn’t like meeting strangers (she begs to go home every time we’re at a friend’s place and still doesn’t like her aunty – even after 2 years). In this case, we were a bit nervous about the new nanny and how our little one will react to it all.
How to Deal With Losing a Nanny
When you get the resignation letter that your nanny is leaving, there may be negative emotions. We have to stop. There was an expectation that it was not forever. People grow, develop, and evolve; we had to know that the nanny has to consider their own life’s betterment.
Just like a job, we are always open to new and better career opportunities. Whatever reason the nanny has for leaving, remove anger and resentment from it all. Being a little lost accompany by sadness is normal, but remember to be grateful that they were an excellent nanny to your kids. Like in every vocation, it’s hard to find good help. It’s HARD to find a good nanny.
There’s no need for blame to be placed anywhere. The reverse can happen as well, e.g., if finances get tight and you can’t afford childcare services any longer, you’d have to let your nanny go and they’d have to accept it as well. They’ll have their own kind of stress they have to deal with when something like this happens.
Suppose there’s a respectful and good relationship between you and the nanny, and your little one(s) loves the nanny. In that case, that’s the best outcome to happen in the relationship.
The Nanny Perspective
Being a nanny is a tough job, physically and emotionally. It’s incredibly hard when the family loves the nanny and the nanny loves the family.
I’d imagine that some nannies’ pass up job opportunities so they can stay with the family they love. So when a nanny makes that choice to leave the family, they’re stressed out that they have to break the news of leaving.
It’s a commitment from nannies. They aren’t just heavily invested in their jobs, but they’re heavily invested emotionally in the children they care for. It’s not only one-sided; both sides have their hearts broken (contingent on both sides having a good relationship with each other).
Here is a nanny blogger with her experience on the other side of it: Saying Goodbye: A Nanny’s Perspective
So to reiterate, take out anger and resentment. If both you and the nanny built a great relationship, this journey together with your little one was the best outcome.
With a well-built relationship, the transition would be easier. Nannies will help all they can to make the transition as smooth as possible.
Take It One Step at a Time
Breathe, everything will be fine after you break it all down. Adapt and adjust if you have to, but by breaking down each thing you need to do, it’ll feel less daunting.
More likely than not, if you’re reading this post, then it means that you and the nanny have built a great relationship (you won’t feel the loss much if it’s someone you didn’t really like). Having a great relationship with the nanny will make the transition smoother.
Two main things can make this transition as smooth as one can hope:
- 2-week notice – you need time to go through the nanny hiring process. The hiring process is the most time-consuming part of transitioning. Usually, they will give their 2-week notice since it’s in the contract
- Willing to help – if your nanny is willing to help with the transition, then that makes things a lot easier
If you can check off both items on the list, then all systems go. With the 2 prerequisites, you’ll transition smoothly enough to where your child(s) doesn’t miss a beat.
If your nanny needs to leave with less than a 2-week notice, for whatever reason, then things need to be adjusted. Options like taking some days off work may need to be explored. You may need to ask family or friends to take care of the little one(s) until you find a nanny.
The nanny leaving abruptly with little to no days will leave anybody overwhelmed, from going through the hiring process, training the new nanny, and transitioning. I don’t imagine this scenario happening if you are on good terms with the nanny.
How to Transition
I find 2 things crucial in making the transition as smooth as possible. Giving you time and the nanny willing to help.
Even if you get a 1-week notice instead of a 2-week notice, I think it’s enough time (though cutting it close) to find a nanny. Use 3 days to go through the hiring process and the last couple of days for the nanny to train/transition the new nanny.
Here’s how I’d go about it in our situation:
- Hire a nanny – go through the nanny hiring process
- Nanny help – ask the nanny if she can help with the transition by having the new nanny shadow her last 2 days. This helped a lot as the nanny introduced the new nanny to our little girl. The little one would still slightly be uncomfortable because there’s a stranger that she’s never met, but comfortable enough to play because the nanny is there as her support pillar
- Nanny shadow – with the nanny helping with the transition, we didn’t need to do a lot to show/train our new nanny. The new nanny would see and ask the nanny questions on how to go about things. The new nanny would shadow and see how the little one’s routine goes about.
- Inclusion – the nanny included the new nanny in activities with our little one so that they can get a level of familiarity with each other. It helped immensely, by the 2nd day, our little girl played with the new nanny without resistance
- Overlap – with the new nanny shadowing, it minimizes our changes and doesn’t disrupt our little one’s routine
How we started letting our little one know:
- Start early – we started a week before. We wanted to let the little one know that the nanny was leaving and that a new nanny would play with her. We wanted to give her the chance to digest the news and accept the change. We also wanted her to share her feelings
- Nanny lets her know – the nanny also let our little one know that they were leaving. Expressed to her that it was not her fault. Let her know the reason for leaving. And reiterated that they still loved her.
In my research, I also found some other tips on what to say to your little one(s):
- Explain that the nanny won’t be there every day, but you can still see them when they come around
- Express to the little one that they will remain in each other’s lives even though they won’t see each other every day
- Make sure the little one knows it’s not their fault, they didn’t do anything wrong
- Suggest that they can Facetime each other (our little girl loves to Facetime as she does with her grandparents every night)
Maintaining Relationship
Sometimes one final goodbye and going separate ways is the route some families will take. One last goodbye seems harsh and, in truth, sad. Even if it’s one final goodbye, it shouldn’t be framed that way.
Sometimes when we say “see ya later” to people, it could mean, see you soon, goodbye for a long time, or a final goodbye without knowing it. We sometimes don’t realize that people get busy as life goes on. Seeing familiar people we like is a luxury.
I have friends that I’ve seen and said “see ya later” to, only to realize after some time has passed, that I haven’t seen them in years.
So when we frame goodbyes, I think it should be prepared as a, “I’ll see ya later” kind of goodbye. It’s less painful without the thoughts of finality.
On the flip-side, maintaining a relationship is a route other families will take. Especially if you’ve built a good relationship, the nanny becomes a family friend.
In the case that the nanny’s reason for leaving isn’t because of relocation, and they would love to come by and visit from time to time, I think it’s healthy and feasible for that to happen.
It’s ultimately your decision on what you want to do and how to go about it. More than ever, it’s easier to stay in touch with people, even if you’re not able to see them.
Here are some ideas:
- Facetime – in our case, our little one loves Facetime. Our little girl used to see her grandparents every day, but since COVID, she hasn’t seen them since. So every night, she gets to Facetime them before she goes to sleep
- Email, Text message – sending each other pictures and messages can be a viable idea
- Invitation – when the little one’s birthday comes around, invite them over
- Set up play dates – if they have time, and the schedule fits with everything, invite them over for a play date
Final Thoughts on Our Nanny Quitting
Kids can take a lot, as they are overwhelmed with all these new experiences that life has to offer. Be there for your little one(s) and let them share their feelings. Ensure them that the nanny is leaving, not because of them. Make sure to reiterate that it’s not their fault at all and that the nanny loves them.
It can be stressful and overwhelming when a nanny quits. As a parent, you need to worry about everything and only hope that you covered all bases. Like all things, take it one step at a time. Break it all down, and focus on the task at hand.
